you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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