Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
