why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
