just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
