I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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