Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
