goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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