so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
