stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
