cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
