I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
