everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
