so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
