I skipped work to stalk him.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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