I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
