two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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