Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
