guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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