Having a random hookup so left but love u
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
