NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
