i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
