And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
