just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
