mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
