I looked at my own cervix.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
