you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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