So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
