Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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