I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
