Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
