Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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