Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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