somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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