I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
