i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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