I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No...this little piggys going to the bar
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
