matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
