My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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