thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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