M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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