It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
