I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
