just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
