I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My bed smells like the plague
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
