youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
