Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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