Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Randomize
