The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
