Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
