Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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